


Creamy White Stuff

by louciferish



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Mayonnaise, TGI Fridays $10 Endless Appetizers (TM), The Author Regrets Everything, Zamboni Roulette 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 11:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18314807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louciferish/pseuds/louciferish
Summary: Yuuri Katsuki has a fever, and the only prescription is TGI Fridays $10 Endless Appetizers (TM).





	Creamy White Stuff

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I did two of these. This one was a pinch-hit for denkimouse, beta read by the wonderful [Addy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrianna99/pseuds/Adrianna99) when I couldn't possibly look at it any more myself.
> 
> My roulette prompt was "TGI Fridays $10 Endless Appetizers" and I had to incorporate denki's dislikes, which include mayonnaise and people peeking in their windows. XD 
> 
> Hello. I'm sorry.
> 
> Along the route of writing this, I had to actually research TGI Fridays. In doing so, I did discover that there ARE Fridays locations in Japan, but since I've never been to one I decided to ignore that and go with what I'm familiar with. Nevertheless, this is not an accurate depiction of a TGI Fridays $10 Unlimited Appetizers (TM) experience.

When Yuuri found out he was assigned to Skate America for the Grand Prix series, there was only one thing on his mind. In the weeks that followed, he tried to forget, tried to shut it out and focus on his practices, but each time the subject of his next event came up, so did his deepest, darkest longing.

Victor had noticed his distraction, of course, and responded with frequent hugs as well as innumerable trips to the damned waterfall. He clearly thought Yuuri was sinking back into depression and worry. Yuuri didn’t want Victor to worry about him, but he couldn’t possibly reveal what was really happening. No, his secret was too shameful.

Somehow, Yuuri held it together until after their plane had arrived safely in New York City. He was almost shaking as they checked into their hotel near the rink, his brain screeching like a thirteen year old girl at her first NSYNC concert. _Just a few more days_ , he told himself. _I have to wait. Competition first, and then… do what needs to be done._

But that first night, Yuuri laid awake for hours, staring up at the blank white ceiling as Victor snored softly beside him. How could he possibly sleep, knowing what lay just over this horizon?

Despite his best efforts, Yuuri still couldn’t shake his distraction during competition. In the end, he barely clung to the podium, with Phichit taking gold and a silver medal for Leo.

Concerned, the others tried to cheer Yuuri up with an invitation for sightseeing around the city. 

“Oh no,” Yuuri answered, pale with panic as he coughed dramatically into his elbow. “I think I’m coming down with something. You guys go without me, please.”

“Are you sure?” Victor asked, clinging to his fiance. “If you’re sick, you should let Coach take care of you. I’ll bring you chicken soup and fluff your pillows all night long.”

But only one thing could possibly make Yuuri feel better, and chicken soup wasn’t it. He collapsed back on their hotel bed, waving Victor away weakly. “No, please… Don’t stay in on my account… Go have fun.”

Yuuri managed to wait all of two minutes after the door closed before he leapt to his feet. Shrugging into one of Victor’s fifteen spare coats, he popped the collar and put on a pair of dark sunglasses so as not to be recognized, then left the hotel and hailed a cab on the curb.

“Rockefeller Center, please,” he told the driver.

It was too early in the autumn for the rink or any of the famous Christmas decorations to be set up yet, but the area was still crowded with tourists. Yuuri gazed out the window, eagerly scanning the crowds, but among all the faces and costumed figures, he had eyes for only one thing: the bright red and white-striped awning of the TGI Fridays.

As soon as he caught sight of it, Yuuri thrust a wad of cash at the driver and dove from the back seat of the taxi, ignoring the shocked shrieks of the tourists around him as he dashed toward the doors.

A smiling hostess with a tight brown ponytail greeted him just inside the door. “Hi!” She bubbled. “Welcome to-”

“I know where I am,” Yuuri said, sweeping off his coat. Seeing his face, the hostess paled at his expression. “I need TGI Fridays $10 Unlimited Appetizers (™), _now_.”

Grabbing a menu, the hostess rushed him to a booth at the front of the building, next to a wide window that faced out onto the street. Yuuri decided this could count as sightseeing. There it was: New York City. He could now observe it comfortably from the inside of a substandard American chain restaurant, as it was meant to be seen.

Yuuri didn’t bother to glance at the menu. He knew what he was about. He was a professional, after all. He’d start with mozzarella sticks, then onto potato skins, and from there? Well, he’d wait and see where the night might take him.

A few minutes later, a waitress appeared beside his table. Beneath her crisp and professional TGI Fridays uniform, she looked distressed, frazzled and tear-streaked. “Sir,” she gasped. “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this… but we had a busy day today and we have _run out of all the TGI Fridays $10 Unlimited Appetizers (™)_.”

“WHAT?” Yuuri shrieked, leaping to his feet. He tried to flip the table, but it was bolted to the floor. He began to weep copiously, as he was known to do at the slightest provocation. “BUT THEY’RE ENDLESS. YOU CAN’T RUN OUT.”

The waitress stumbled back, eyes wide. “Please sir, try to calm down.”

“DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!” Rivers of tears fell from Yuuri’s eyes. Light refracted off of them, spiraling into rainbows around the TGI Fridays. 

“I- I’ll check with the chef,” the waitress stammered. “Maybe there’s something we can do. Please don’t cry. You’re making too many big gay rainbows.”

Yuuri fell back into his booth, head in his hands, and continued to sob. 

An eternity later, the waitress reappeared by his table, her words almost inaudible due to the speakers overhead blasting “Celebration”. “I spoke to the kitchen,” she said. “The staff is going to make you something special with what we have, for being such a devoted TGI Fridays guest.”

Yuuri managed to choke out a thank you before collapsing forward onto his table. It was all too much - he’d been longing for the sweet release of endless apps for so long, suffering through stressful travel and competition to get here, and the emotional rollercoaster was wearing him thin.

The stereo played “Celebration” three more times.

When the waitress came back with a tray in hand, Yuuri could have kissed her. At last, he would be reunited with his precious, precious microwaved appetizers. The girl set the tray down with a flourish.

On it were three large plates of saltine crackers, each with a little swirl of off-white mayo on the center. A single cracker had a bit of parsley perched at the peak of mayo mountain, as if the chef had made a token attempt to dress up the dish, only to collapse in failure. It was white on grey on white and the whole thing looked like a pile of diaper garbage.

Tears streaming down his face and hand shaking, Yuuri picked up the first cracker as the waitress watched, and he crammed it into his mouth. The crackers were stale and cold and, inexplicably, the mayonnaise was warm. The moment the concoction touched his tongue, the cracker dissolved to mush like cardboard in the rain, leaving Yuuri mouthing around the sensation of salty wet paper.

With a soggy smile at the waitress, Yuuri picked up another cracker and stuffed it into his maw. He was still crying and miserable, and yet he couldn’t stop himself. He was consumed with a need to fill his relentless hunger for TGI Fridays $10 Unlimited Appetizers (™), no matter what form they might take.

He was five crackers deep before he happened to glance out the window, then reeled back in shock.

Victor, Phichit, and Leo were all right there, hands up by their eyes as they pressed against the window, watching this entire mess unfold.

With a shriek, Yuuri picked up the nearest plate and clutched it to his chest, smearing mayonnaise on his shirt. “DON’T LOOK AT ME,” he screamed through a mouthful of cracker, flecks of saltine flying from his lips as he spoke. The corners of his mouth were coated in mayonnaise and the mayo on his plate was melting from his body heat, dripping down the collar of his shirt.

Yuuri knew he looked like a monster, and he was breaking his diet in the worst way. When Victor and the others left the window, Yuuri felt torn between relief and despair. He was glad they weren’t watching as he shoveled four mayo crackers in his mouth at once, but he was also certain that Victor was going to dump him. He had seen Yuuri’s private shame.

A moment later, the door chimed, and Yuuri glanced back over his shoulder in apprehension. It was Victor, and he was alone. He blew past the hostess with a dismissive wave and settled into the booth opposite Yuuri.

“Yuuri, what is this?” Victor asked, his beautiful blue eye orbs welling with sad tears. “I thought you were sick. Did you not want to spend time with me?”

“No!” Yuuri howled, lunging across the table to clasp Victor’s hands between his own. “I love spending time with you,” he vowed, then hesitated. “I just… also really love TGI Fridays $10 Unlimited Appetizers (™). I knew as my coach you wouldn’t approve, with my diet and all, but to me this is the next best thing after my mother’s katsudon.”

“Really?” Victor eyed the chaotic pile of crackers and mayo scattered over the plates between them, dubious. He tightened his grip on Yuuri’s hands, interlacing their fingers, and mayonnaise squished out from where their palms met, leaking down the side. “Wow. I’ll have to try it, if it’s as good as what your mother made.”

Before Yuuri could point out that this meal was not typical of TGI Fridays $10 Unlimited Appetizers (™), Victor raised their joined hands to his lips as if to kiss, only to swipe his tongue over Yuuri’s fingers instead, licking the warm salty mayonnaise away.

Yuuri was stunned. He stared across the table as Victor smiled and told him, “I love you, Yuuri. Even if you wanted to move to America, quit skating, and eat only TGI Fridays $10 Unlimited Appetizers (™) for the rest of our lives, as long as we can do it together.”

Then they fucked in the Friday’s bathroom. They used mayo as lube.

The end.


End file.
